my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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