Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
