I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
