Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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