He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
