god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
