Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
