i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
