I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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