my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
