i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
