I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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