there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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