angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
