On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
