first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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