so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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