I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
