Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Randomize
