he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
