im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
