swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Randomize
