Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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