You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
