I looked at my own cervix.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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