I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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