I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
