Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
