I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
