i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
