bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Randomize
