Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
