Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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