So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
