Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize