I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
