And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
