he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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