Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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