If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Randomize
