let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
