Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
