My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
