so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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