Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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