i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
