K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
