Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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