You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
