life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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