I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
zippers are such a cool invention
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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