I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
