It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
