Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Even my vagina gasped.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
