Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
