I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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