my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
