You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Randomize
