YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
