You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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