I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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