Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Couch. On fire.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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