Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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