I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
