not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize