I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Randomize