put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I AM VODKA MAN
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize